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Sometimes the reason why we emigrate is much deeper than only improving our financial situation or studies, or because we fell in love with a foreigner.
Sometimes it means getting away from something that is unbearable - something that suffocates us. Or sometimes, it is simply because we follow the exact steps of someone from our family lineage who emigrated, was away, or was rejected in the family.
Actually… these are the true reasons why we find ourselves in foreign countries.
The external reasons: “I want to have a better life,” “the studies at this particular university are just right for me,” or “the weather over there is just fantastic.” These reasons are often only external.
Mostly, the not-so-obvious or unconscious is actually driving our experience while living abroad. It becomes obvious when we start facing challenges abroad.
Debunking the Deeper Reasons We Emigrate
First of all, let’s look at the deeper reasons we emigrate:
1) There was a lack of finances at home, and they looked for a better opportunity to provide work from abroad;
2) the political system of the country did not allow for the person to stay; or
3) due to war or armed conflict;
4) we fall in love with someone from another country.
Now you can ask yourself: What kind of experience did your ancestors have while abroad? For me, I think about my father’s uncle who, in times of communism in my home country of Poland, emigrated to Canada. How my father remembers him was that he was always bringing exotic fruits, colourful clothes, and tapes of music that were not accessible in Poland during the regime.
Guess what? Since I emigrated for the first time to study in Spain as an 18-year-old, I have always brought something back with me to my family members. I did it just as if, in Poland, you could not find the products I was gifting. Once, my grandpa even said when I brought fresh oranges from Spain: “Well, we can find the same oranges in the supermarket one street away from home.”
This, in the moment, was not clear to me. Now I understand clearly: I was following the steps of my ancestors and reliving what they did when living abroad.
The Shadow Side of the Expat Life
But the truth is: life as an expat in a foreign country is not always as beautiful as the gifts we bring back home to our family of origin.
Often, we ourselves experience loneliness and pain we cannot express, as we do not fit into the different values that the societies we choose to live in share and comply with. We often feel misunderstood and carry buried anger.
Here, what systemic and family constellation science points to is: Who in your own family emigrated? And how was their experience? Very often, we replicate their stories and their experiences. Mostly, they are the difficult parts of our existence abroad - the unexplained situations, the misunderstandings, and, of all things, the feelings.
Emigration as an Escape or a Search for Space
We emigrate because, on a deeper level, we need to get away from something that is unbearable - something that suffocates us in our family of origin. From my professional experience working with clients who are expats in foreign countries, or my own story: this is the deepest root cause why we decide to leave our home countries.
You see, distance brings perspective.
It allows you to step out of roles you took on in your own family system that were not optimal for you - roles that were literally a burden to your existence. Often in this case, we emigrate for better education, better job opportunities, a better lifestyle, or better circumstances.
But truly, it gives us space to be ourselves. It allows us to realise who we are and what was making it so heavy back home.
For me, that was truly the case. The moment I emigrated, I began a self-development journey - first slowly, and then at full speed. The biggest breakthrough happened for me when I started encountering issues in everyday life while abroad. When the perfect dream of living somewhere started becoming more of the problems I tried to run from - even when not conscious of them at that time - they basically followed me everywhere.
But rather than it being my relationship to my father or my mother, the problems showed up in my work relationships with my bosses or collaborators, in my friendships, in my mental health, etc.
Looking Back to Move Forward
The day I did my first constellation and actually paid attention to what I tried to leave behind - which was my parents and their struggles, and me being the one in the middle - is when things started to fall into place.
You see, our family of origin and our system are the foundation of our life. It does not matter how many thousands of kilometres away you live; you carry that inside of you. This is something that needs to be looked at first. This is the key to creating a successful and joyful life abroad.
The Motherland and the Mother
Lastly, an element I realised for myself in my own journey, which is confirmed in the systemic understanding: your relationship to your own home country matters so much. Whether you hate it or respect it, it is actually a direct reflection of your relationship with your own mother.
The land you were born and grew up in is like your own mother. Sometimes, when clients come to me and say, “I hate my home country,” it’s always just judgmental people back home, or “it’s dangerous, it’s not worth living there”, etc. It tells me immediately that there is a deeper wound in the relationship between my client and their own mother.
Without first looking at this most profound relationship we have in our lives - with our mothers - we won’t be able to create thriving, authentic, and loving relationships with anyone. Often, these are the clients who are very successful financially abroad, have great jobs and positions, but are alone, don’t have life partners, and feel a sense of belonging.
A Brave Path Forward
Emigration is for the brave. So is the method of family constellations and systemic coaching.
If you want to explore this method further and see if it can benefit you and your situation, check my upcoming in-person workshops or contact me for a 1:1 session.
With love,
Maja Herrero
